Hello! Here we are in day 4 of our sneak peak week, in which we take a gloriously happy, close-up meander through an eleven-plus exam-winning model of a persuasive letter, taken from this lovely, sensational book of non-fiction creative writing models.
On Monday, we looked at the opening of the letter and the question prompt. On Tuesday, we continued with the first three paragraphs of the letter. On Wednesday, we focused on more-of-less paragraphs, which brings us to today, in which we move through the middle of the letter and approach the end. The post is laid out in the following way:
- The next 2/3 paragraphs of the letter.
- Extracts from the What, How, Why lesson that will guide you and your child through the writing features used in the model. You can SHOW your child or student what successful writing looks like. (Each model in the book is always partnered with pages and pages of this in-deep learning, so you can squeeze maximum learning value from each model.)
- To help with the lesson, I split up the original letter into pieces. These sentences from the original letter are in bold to help you see what writing the lesson is referring to.
- VVV: Each essay showcases Very Varied Vocabulary that your child can use in their own work. In the book, each word also comes with a definition to help your child understand and use the word swiftly in their own work. You’ll see VVV that relates to the extract we’re zooming in on.
Right, let’s carry on with the letter. Remember, you can read the parts that came before by clicking on the links above, which will take you to each extract.
Extract continued (Day 4)
From healthy hundreds playing in the park to clogged-up queues outside A&E.
We don’t even need to add to this that sick adults mean lower employment and lower taxes for you to spend. A financial time-bomb. I repeat – what kind of planning is this? You are the department of planning, not the department of mis-planning.
In summary, the refuse centre will deny 4000 children a place to play, replace an essential (not optional) long-term fitness tool with a sickness factory, as well as shape a financial catastrophe. I leave you with this depressing snapshot of a future Sutton…
“Mum, can we go to the park today?”
“Sorry, son, but they never rebuilt it. I’m now so unfit that I can’t even walk you to where it used to be. Just keep playing on your computer.”
“But Mum, my eyes hurt. They’re fuzzy.”
“Well, at least you can’t see how horrible the refuse centre looks.”
WHAT, HOW AND WHY: The Lesson
From healthy hundreds playing in the park to clogged-up queues outside accident and emergency departments.
- A double alliteration to help my reader remember my images. Note how the ‘qu’ sounds like a hard ‘c’.
- ‘Clogged-up’ sounds like an unhealthy person’s veins – an image to exaggerate the health effects of park closure. If you can choose words and images that link to your argument, this can be very powerful, emotional persuasion.
- Can you spot the contrast? Two very different images – one ‘healthy’, one linked to being in hospital, beside each other, makes each one stand out. (Imagine purple and yellow next to each other – each colour seems brighter than it would on its own.)
- Emotional Language and hyperbole: The idea of illness is emotional, designed to get through to my reader’s heart and worry them into changing their mind.
- All of this is inside a one-sentence paragraph. Having a single sentence on its own makes it stand out and lets you exaggerate the message. The reader’s eyes are drawn to it and will naturally think the information must be a big deal. You can use 1-2 of these in any type of writing. They show a marker you can play with structure as a writing tool.
We don’t even need to add to this
- Psst, I am adding it! This is a very clever trick. You can secretly mention something by pretending not to mention it. It makes you sound reasonable because you are saying you won’t bring up something your opponent doesn’t want to talk about – but you have brought it up by mentioning that you are not mentioning it! Sneaky persuasion.
that sick adults mean lower employment, which means lower taxes for you to spend.
- I use reason, cause and effect, as well as emotion. It’s important to include sensible reasons why you should be listened to. The relative pronoun ‘which’ helps me make this link.
A financial time-bomb.
- Metaphor and exaggeration. I’m suggesting the negative effects are guaranteed to happen by suggesting a bomb is counting down.
I repeat – what kind of planning is this?
- Repetition of the rhetorical question (it was in yesterday’s extract) drives home my point.
- Punctuation sprinkle of a single dash and a question adds to my advanced punctuation and creates a pause which spotlights the question.
You are the department of planning, not the department of mis-planning.
- A pun on words will give my marker an enjoyable flourish as I cross the finishing line.
- I show I can add a prefix with a hyphen to create an opposite word – show your learning!
- Continued direct address using the ‘you’ pronoun. Do make sure to remember the person you are writing to from time to time.
In summary,
- A wonderful concluding connective for my last paragraph signals it’s time to finish this debate and make the right decision.
the refuse centre will deny 4000 children a place to play, replace an essential (not optional) long-term fitness tool with a sickness factory,
- Brackets for punctuation sprinkle and to add contrast to stress that it’s essential.
- Contrast: fitness tool/sickness factory. The contrast sounds harsh, and makes closing the park sound dangerous.
- Metaphors: fitness tool and sickness factory add dazzle techniques to my writing.
- Sibilance: The repeated ‘s’ sound creates a slashing sentence that’s almost a tongue twister, suggesting the damage that a refuse centre would cause.
- Exaggeration through the images: will it really be a sickness factory?
- We are nearly at the end, but do you see how we are finishing with a flourish? It’s important to keep adding in a fantastic variety of writing techniques all the way through your writing. Your closing paragraphs will make a strong last impression, just as your front-loaded first paragraph will make a positive first impression.
as well as shaping a long-term financial catastrophe.
- Power of 3 ending reminds the reader of my three arguments. This is sometimes known as a persuasion sandwich! You tell them what you are going to tell them, you tell them, then you finish by telling them what you have told them. Yum.
I leave you with this depressing snap-shot of a future Sutton…
- Emotional vocabulary: depressing.
- An ellipsis completes my punctuation sprinkle and helps me switch from a letter to a dramatic scene. Ellipses can be overdone. 1-2 in a piece are usually enough, depending on the length of your writing.
- Here, I switch to a final, dramatic scene. This is the persuasive trick of building a story within a story. The imagined victims of the park closure do the final speaking and persuasion for me. This is a fun way to play with structure, as long as it fits your argument.
“Mum, can we go to the park today?”
- Speech marks! Guess why I did this. I realised as I was close to finishing that I hadn’t used speech marks yet. I wanted to show the marker that I can use them, and that I also know the rule about taking a new line of speech for each new speaker.
- If you realise on exam day that you haven’t used all the punctuation, don’t worry, just be flexible. Adapt your writing and see if you can sneak the missing ones in.
- Readers like direct speech in writing, whether it’s fiction or non-fiction. Why? Well, people are people and people usually speak a lot, so they enjoy and identify with other people speaking. This speaking lets the reader imagine the conversation, so it helps them understand my argument.
“Sorry, son, but they never rebuilt it. I’m now so unfit that I can’t even walk you to where it used to be. Just keep playing on your computer.”
“But Mum, my eyes hurt. They’re fuzzy.”
“Well, at least you can’t see how horrible the refuse centre looks.”
- The aim of the conversation is ironic and sarcastic. I show the marker I can handle tone and mood by suggesting – with a lot of exaggeration – a dramatised catastrophe could result from just one decision.
…
So how was day 4’s sneak peak? Full of learning, I hope, that you can use practically with your child in your very next practice persuasive letter. The unusual addition of the speech anecdote is not needed, but it is definitely a fun, dazzling option.
One important reminder is that your child will become a better writer through writing deliberately – selecting a few techniques and practising adding these into their writing. This stops them repeating the same ideas and level of writing, and will ensure they make constant progress.
A second reminder – do lots of practice writing! 1-2 a week is a great target that will allow them to build these skills over time.
Thank you so much for helping your child, and for helping your students if you’re a tutor or teacher. We can all feel so grateful and privileged and happy that we have these opportunities to care for and lift up the next generation.
Have a beautiful day of learning, and please do join me tomorrow for the last day of our sneak peak week! Oh, and if you’d like to dive into the gloriously helpful book this extract comes from, you can do so here
or by clicking on the happy pic! Happy clicking!
Please let me know any thoughts, or if something has helped you at leemottram@11plushappy.com
Have a beautiful day of learning.
Lee, London
