Hello! All this week, Monday-Friday, I’m reposting fantastically extracts of an eleven-plus exam-winning model of a persuasive letter, taken from my sensational book of non-fiction creative writing models. One aim – to improve your child’s writing THIS WEEK..
Yesterday, we looked at the opening of the letter and the question prompt.
Today, we’ll explore in fully majestic learning depth the next two paragraphs. We’ll follow a similar path to yesterday:
- The next 2 paragraphs of the letter.
- Extracts from the What, How, Why lesson that will guide you and your child through the writing features used in the model. You’ll be able to SHOW your child or student what successful writing looks like. (Each model in the book is always partnered with pages and pages of this in-deep learning, so you can squeeze maximum learning value from each model.)
- The sentences from the original letter are in bold to help you see what writing the lesson is referring to.
- VVV: Each essay showcases Very Varied Vocabulary that your child can use in their own work. In the book, each word also comes with a definition to help your child understand and use the word swiftly in their own work.
Time to learn!
Extract continued
How many of these children do you think use the park at some point in their week?
Even the most conservative estimate must be over half. Indeed, 23 sports clubs currently use the fields (statistics again taken from your website, Sports Provision page), along with hundreds of mums, dads and grandparents, all keeping themselves and these thousands of children happy and healthy. Imagine these clubs, these family exercise sessions, wiped out overnight.
This brings me to reason No.2: what comes in place of our healthy, connected community? The disease-bringing stench of burning fumes; the rotting of rubbish and badly-designed, unrecyclable materials that children like me had no say in making. The centre will be a monster unleashed by one generation on another – a clumsy, grown-up footprint stamping on the future of youth. To be clear, a devastating, direct consequence of the refuse centre will be that you send 4000 children indoors to be addicts of T.V. screens, addicts of computer screens, addicts of smartphone screens; you will be creating a community of tablet junkies.
WHAT, HOW AND WHY
How many of these children do you think use the park at some point in their week?
- A one-sentence paragraph and a question combined. I give the question space so that the reader can pause and think about it. Add a couple of one-sentence paragraphs to your writing to highlight important information – it will impress. It shows you can control the structure of your writing.
- I pivot the argument away from the playing fields to the more emotional subject of children, to make the reader feel my argument. This is not about the park, it’s really about children.
Even the most conservative estimate must be over half this number. Indeed, twenty-three sports clubs currently use the fields (statistics again taken from your website, on the Sports Provision page), along with hundreds of mums, dads and grandparents,
- Indeed: An emphasising connective for variety and persuasion.
- Brackets for my punctuation sprinkle. I can tuck this info in brackets since in the opening of the letter, I had already mentioned the council’s website.
- Power of 3: ‘Mums, dads and grandparents’ feels larger and more personal than ‘people’.
- VVV: conservative, currently.
all keeping themselves and these thousands of children happy and healthy. Imagine these clubs, these family exercise sessions, wiped out overnight.
- Contrast: A short sentence with a bossy verb (imagine) after the long previous sentence focuses on the sudden end to the activity of the clubs and families. Contrast is placing two different qualities or images next to each other. Each makes the other stand out.
This brings me to reason number two: what comes in place of our healthy, connected community?
- A formal linking sentence moves the argument to a new focus.
- Alliteration emphasises how the park keeps the community together.
- A direct question to the reader to involve them and hold their attention.
The disease-bringing
- A compound adjective made from joining a noun to the front of an adjective with a hyphen. Designing your own compound adjectives shows a great control of language and gives you a chance to come up with something original.
- The hyphen helps my punctuation sprinkle.
stench of burning fumes; the rotting of rubbish and badly-designed unrecyclable materials that we children had no say in making.
- Emotional imagery: Children are suffering because of adults. I hint that the planner I am writing to is one of these harming adults if they close the park.
- Alliteration: ‘Rotting of rubbish’ accentuates the unhealthiness.
- A semicolon shows the reader the two sentences either side have a strong relationship. Here, I use it to replace the conjunction ‘and’. The information on each side teams up with the other and increases the overall power of the sentence.
- VVV: stench, fumes.
The centre will be a monster unleashed by one generation on another –
- Metaphor, exaggeration and a dash before a conclusion – blending writing features in a sentence is such a lovely way to treat your reader and dazzle your marker.
a clumsy, grown-up footprint stamping on the future of youth.
- Extended metaphor: The monster is now clumsy and stamping on things.
To be clear, (a link connective to keep the argument flowing and connected) a devastating, direct (exaggeration and alliteration) consequence of the refuse centre will be that you send four thousand children indoors to be addicts of T.V. screens, addicts of computer screens, addicts of smartphone screens – you will be creating a community of tablet junkies.
- More exaggeration to emphasise the negative impact of the decision.
- Repetition of the same “addicts…” as a sentence starter is memorably persuasive and powerful. The repetition makes it seem really serious and really true.
- Pun: We know a ‘tablet’ is an electronic device, but it is also another name for a pill, so I add to the sad, emotional idea of an addict.
- A single dash creates a dramatic pause and introduces an equally dramatic conclusion. It helps your punctuation sprinkle – you want a sprinkle of all punctuation.
- VVV: devastating, unleashed.
Day 2 is done…Now, go and have some writing fun! What did you learn from today’s extract and lesson? What will you show your child in your next session? Encourage your young writer to play with these features in their next practice-write. A spirit of fun and adventure. Investigate like a scientist. Please bear in mind that you don’t have to include everything at once. You might focus on the punctuation, or perhaps the extended metaphor, then fold the next feature into the next essay, while keeping the feature/s that your child learned previously. Slowly, you can fold in all the features into a delicious cake mix…and then bake that writing!
A reminder, here’s the gloriously helpful book this extract comes from. Please do dive in here
or click on the happy pic!
You can also visit the books and downloads page at www.11plushappy.com to see this and other good stuff to help your child pass with a smile.
Please do join me tomorrow (Wednesday) for Day 3 of Sneak Peak Week. Thank you for reading, I truly hope it helps ignite your child’s writing in a very practical way.
Please let me know any thoughts, or if something has helped you at leemottram@11plushappy.com.
Have a beautiful day of learning.
Lee, London
