Hello! All this week, Monday-Friday, I’m reposting fantastically helpful extracts from an eleven-plus exam-winning model of a persuasive letter, taken from my sensational book of non-fiction creative writing models. The aim? Let’s improve your child’s writing THIS WEEK!
Welcome to Wednesday.
On Monday, we looked at the opening of the letter and the question prompt. On Tuesday, we continued with the first three paragraphs of the letter. Today, we continue reading the letter and deep-diving into the lesson that accompanies the model in the book. The post is laid out in the following way:
- The next 2 paragraphs of the letter.
- Extracts from the What, How, Why lesson that will guide you and your child through the writing features used in the model. You’ll be able to SHOW your child or student what successful writing looks like. (Each model in the book is always partnered with pages and pages of this in-deep learning, so you can squeeze maximum learning value from each model.)
- To help with the lesson, I split up the original letter into pieces. These sentences from the original letter are in bold to help you see what writing the lesson is referring to.
- VVV: Each essay showcases Very Varied Vocabulary that your child can use in their own work. In the book, each word also comes with a definition to help your child understand and use the word swiftly in their own work. You’ll see VVV that relates to the extract we’re zooming in on.
HAPPY TIP! I want you to focus on the fact today’s paragraphs are more-of-less paragraphs. Larger paragraphs approximately 5-7 sentences long, which explore one main theme each, and which we build with adding more and more related information on this theme. More-of-less paragraphs help your child build their word count, add vocabulary and punctuation, and create a piece of writing that really sticks together. If you take one message from today, it’s to guide and encourage and celebrate your child to write these more-of-less paragraphs.
Okay, let’s go…
Extract continued
Not only does this go against your own advertised commitment to children’s health (I quote the leaflet given out in all schools: ‘Fighting for Fitness, Fighting for Families – Welcome to the 6Fs’), but it also stores up massive health problems for these children as they transition into unhealthy adults. Walking in fresh air for 40 minutes daily is the bare minimum needed to maintain health. Your proposal takes away both the fresh air and the place to walk. Did you know that over 200 years ago, a government minister (someone like you) recognised that parks were the ‘lungs of London’? Lungs are vital to life, yet you plan to remove those lungs. You have no right to perform such a drastic operation.
Leading on from this, the third reason for you to ‘refuse’ the refuse is financial. This, perhaps, is the most important to you. Please be assured I’m not against the council. I love this area and am grateful for the work you do. Yes, I understand you need to create £2,000,000 of savings over the next few years. Unfortunately, you are not seeing the wood for the (soon to be cut down) trees. The unhealthy adults we mentioned above are going to bring a huge burden on another important council service, the NHS. You may save a million only to spend a billion. What kind of planning is this?
WHAT, HOW AND WHY
Not only
- A paired conjunction shows sentence variation (see below for the other half).
does this go against your own advertised commitment to children’s health, (I quote, ‘Fighting for Families, Fighting for Fitness – Welcome to the 6Fs’)
- I invent a slogan (a catchy, memorable phrase for a product or service) combining alliteration and capital letters. This shows I know what a slogan is (they are often taught in KS2 English). If you can invent a quick creative idea like this, it gives you another point to argue against or for, which will help you write more words!
but it also (the other half of the paired conjunction) stores up massive health problems for these children as they transition into unhealthy adults.
- A paired conjunction – Not only…but also – will stand out, as these are rarely used by KS2 writers. (See Chapter 13 in Book 1, Teach Your Little Genius to Pass 11plus Creative Writing Exams, to learn about paired conjunctions.)
- VVV: transition.
Walking in fresh air for 40 minutes daily is the bare minimum needed to maintain health. Your proposal takes away both the fresh air and the place to walk. Did you know that over 200 years ago, a government minister (someone like you) pointed out that parks were the ‘lungs of London’? Lungs are vital to life, yet you plan to remove those lungs. You have no right to perform such a drastic operation.
- Lungs of London: This is a true historical quote, so please use it in your own writing.
- Facts and figures support your argument, as they feel like evidence, not opinion.
- I use facts and figures to prove parks have always been an important part of London life.
- Brackets help my punctuation sprinkle. The information inside connects today’s council responsibilities to old decisions, to persuade the council to behave as responsibly as the historical council. I pretend my argument is not mine, but history’s. It’s another form of social proof.
- Blender: Alliteration combines with metaphor in ‘lungs of London’. A metaphor helps the reader understand the argument in a different way by giving them an image they can easily imagine. I want to wake up the empathy of the council by reminding them their decision should be about people, not money.
- VVV: proposal, drastic.
Leading on from this,
- A sentence starter that does two clever jobs. ‘This’ points back to the last point and paragraph, while ‘Leading on’ moves the argument forward to the next point.
the third reason to ‘refuse’ the refuse is financial.
- A pun on ‘refuse’ as a verb – meaning to reject, as well as a noun – the actual rubbish itself. I show the marker I understand and can use homographs – words written the same, but often pronounced differently:
In ‘refuse’ as a noun, I stress the first syllable: refuse.
The verb (I refuse to do that) stresses the second syllable: refuse.
This, perhaps,
- ‘Perhaps’ is conditional language, which makes this point a polite suggestion, rather than a forceful opinion. It also makes me appear as if I’m thinking about the issue as much as I want the reader to. Try using perhaps, possibly, could or might in part of your persuasive argument.
is the most beneficial to you.
- Explaining why your argument helps the reader can be very persuasive.
Please be assured, I’m not against the council – I love this area and am grateful for the work you do.
- Let the other person know you are on the same side, not attacking them. It can work wonders!
- A single dash sentence makes the second point very clear.
- VVV: assured.
Yes, I understand you need to create £2,000,000 of savings.
- Again, I agree with the other person’s position. Do this and you take some of your opponent’s need to disagree with you away. The person may think, Oh, they agree with me, they must be reasonable and intelligent, so maybe I should try and agree with them too.
- Another statistic makes my essay sound believable.
Unfortunately, you are not seeing the wood for the (soon to be cut down) trees.
- Negative connective: ‘Unfortunately’ highlights they are, in fact, wrong.
- Immediately after agreeing with their position, I suggest it’s wrong. I’ve caught them off guard!
- I use the idiom ‘wood for the trees’ to show the examiner I know and understand idioms. It means not being able to see the big picture because you are focusing on a small detail. It helps that my idiom is about trees, as the whole argument is about saving nature.
- I squeeze in a pun by adding to the idiom with a punctuation-powered extra phrase that relates to my letter: (soon to be cut down). I would hope my marker finds this playful, advanced, writing. I’m a writer enjoying myself writing!
The unhealthy adults we mentioned above are going to bring a huge burden on the NHS – you may save a million only to spend a billion.
- Contrast: Using similar-sounding phrases (save a million…spend a billion.) with very different numbers and verbs exaggerates the silliness of closing the park because of the very large financial consequence.
- Single dash: This acts like a spotlight focusing on the contrasting phrases that follow, giving them extra persuasive power. Single dashes add to your advanced punctuation sprinkle and allow you to vary your sentences.
- Different sentences are more interesting to read and help the whole passage flow. How many different sentence types or sentence lengths can you find in my letter? How many different types of sentence will you use in your next persuasive letter?
- VVV: burden.
What kind of planning is this?
- A rhetorical question involves the reader directly again. I don’t blame, I focus carefully on the planning itself, not the planner. Obviously, I am secretly blaming the planner. I’m definitely threatening that if they carry on, they will be to blame for choosing to be part of a ridiculous plan.
The end of Day 3 is the start of your Happy! How did this extract help you make a breakthrough in helping your child’s writing to grow and improve with a spirit of play and investigation? Does it show you the blisteringly unbelievable power of more-of less paragraphs? How can you add a part of this learning to the next session with your child? Encourage your child to try on sentences and techniques the way they would try on dressing-up clothes or try new skills at a sport. (Psst…Choose a metaphor that matches your child’s interests to help it stick!)
A reminder, here’s the gloriously helpful book this extract comes from. Please do dive in here
or click on the happy pic!
You can also visit the books and downloads page at www.11plushappy.com to see this and other good stuff to help your child pass with a smile.
Please do join me tomorrow (Thursday) for Day 4 of Sneak Peak Week. Thank you for reading, I truly hope it helps ignite your child’s writing in a very practical, happy way.
Please let me know any thoughts, or if something has helped you at leemottram@11plushappy.com.
Have a beautiful day of learning.
Lee, London
